Why I'll probably never go viral...
For the past 15 years or so, I’ve put a lot of energy into living a thoughtful, peaceful, and balanced life. I feel like I’ve come a long way, but there has been an area of my life I still struggle with from time to time. An area many people struggle with…navigating the world of social media. Several years ago when all of it was still relatively new, I had built a pretty big following on Twitter and Facebook. I felt like, to maintain the momentum R.E.A.C.H. was having, I needed to be active, maybe even overactive, online. I trained my brain to always be looking for the next post. Almost every morning when I woke up, one of the first thoughts in my head was about what I was going to tweet or share that day. I spent a ridiculous amount of time posting, and it showed.
My mind was always planning future posts, even when I should have been more present and fully experiencing the moment. Looking back, I’m embarrassed by some of the things I did during that time.
One teachable moment came on my birthday. I happened to be in L.A. for work, and since I was there, I decided to make the most of it. I stayed at an oceanfront hotel in Santa Monica and celebrated my birthday in style with some good friends who lived there. I woke up on my birthday to the sound of waves crashing and sunlight pouring through my window. It felt perfect. I laid there for a few minutes and thought, “It’s 9 in L.A., which means it’s noon on the East Coast. My Facebook page must be flooded with birthday wishes by now!” I couldn’t wait to open it and get all those dopamine hits from all the birthday wishes and shoutouts! I grabbed my phone, logged into Facebook, and to my shock, I had one single birthday post. And it was from my mom!
I panicked! I couldn’t understand why nobody else had sent me a birthday wish! My heart started racing as I went into my settings, only to discover that my birthday was hidden from public view. Nobody had gotten the notification. I hurried and changed it, hoping it wasn’t too late. After about twenty minutes, the birthday messages started rolling in. I breathed a sigh of relief. But shortly after, I had another thought.
I realized how desperate that reaction had been. I was panicking because I wasn’t being validated by people I was connected to on social media. Most of them I probably barely knew. The night before, I had been surrounded by close friends. I had voicemails that morning from my son and daughter singing me happy birthday. But somehow, none of that was enough. I needed attention from people online who I mostly had little or no real connection with.
The word I wrote in my journal the next morning was “pathetic”. Nobody had seen my reaction, but I was still embarrassed by how desperate and needy I had been. Right after that, I changed my settings back, so my birthday was hidden again, and I’ve kept it that way ever since.
Now, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t slip up once or twice after that. For a couple of years, even though my birthday stayed hidden, I still gave myself a birthday shout-out just to trigger everyone else’s responses. But even that started to feel gross, so I stopped it too.
These days, my birthday can come and go quietly. If I get a call from my family or a few close friends, that’s more than enough. I don’t need online applause or validation to feel seen and cared for anymore.
I’ve learned to make more responsible choices when it comes to my phone. I even started doing something called “posting and ghosting”. I know myself well enough to know that if Facebook, Tik Tok, or Instagram were on my phone, I’d spend way too much time checking for likes, comments, and shares. So whenever I want to post something, I install the app, make my post, and then immediately uninstall it. That way, I can’t go back to check or obsess over analytics. It also keeps me from getting infected by all the toxic images and negativity that dominate the digital world.
I still have room to grow. I still get caught in a doom scroll from time to time just like anybody else. But I’ve experienced the calm and peace that comes from not being consumed by social media. And now I wouldn’t give that up for anything.
I do have hope because when I'm working with students, I'm meeting more and more that are recognizing the realities of digital fatigue and the dangers of too much screen time. We have a long way to go with digital wellbeing but I'm encouraged by some of the things I'm seeing.
We even created a resource that can be used to help people better manage their screen time. Please download, use, and share it with others as you see fit.
And here's a super quick video of a piece I created a couple years ago that focuses on the importance is being responsible digi-citizens. If you're my age and love Hip Hop as much as I do...you'll REALLY appreciate it!
Please watch, reflect, and share this video with your network.
As always, thank you so much for the work you do,
but most importantly for the person you are.
Also don't forget to share this to your socials!
I love you because I am you!
