I was almost a casualty of MORE...
Updated: 6 days ago
When you come from where I come from and look how I look, society and the media have a way of tricking you into believing you only have about three options in life…be an athlete, be an entertainer, or be a criminal.
Well, I being an athlete was never on my agenda. I did like performing though. Rapping, dancing, doing talent shows. But I didn’t think it would ever pay any bills (so I thought).
So, in my small way of thinking, I figured that left one other option, selling drugs. By the time I was 15, crack had officially blown up the world and I got caught up in all things related to it. And even though I was raised in a two-parent home and never had to wonder where my next meal was coming from or if the lights were going to get cut off, I still found myself drawn to the streets.
I approached one of the biggest dealers in my neighborhood, a guy who liked my raps and had even talked about managing me. Nothing ever came of the music, but when I told him I wanted in on selling crack, he just looked at me like I was crazy. The first few times I tried to get him to put me on, he brushed me off. Then one night at a club, he slipped a sandwich bag full of crack into my hand, told me to put it in my pocket, and not to take it out until I was gone. He said I had three weeks to get it sold.
And just like that, I was an official drug dealer. I hit the block in my neighborhood. On my first night out there, a group of us were hanging out in front of one of the local crack houses. I was still in watch and learn mode, but eventually everyone drifted inside the spot to drink and smoke. I saw that customers started coming inside the house to get served. I figured I had seen enough and was ready to get started. My first thought was that if I went back out to the sidewalk I could intercept the customers before they got inside.
I walked back outside just as a black Camaro pulled up. A big guy gets out of the car. I asked him, “You good”? He snapped back, “What the f*** did you just say to me?” Something told me to back off, I told him never mind and started walking away. He looked me up and down again and stormed inside the house.
The next day I came back around to try my luck again. The guy running the spot asked me if I tried to sell to the big dude in the Camaro. I told him yes. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me that is the guy that owned the house. He said he came inside, grabbed his gun, and came back outside looking to kill me. My first night selling crack could’ve been my last night alive!
Now I always try to be very careful when telling these stories. I don’t want to glorify that life or make it sound glamorous, adventurous, or fun. I also don’t want to reinforce the notion that that kind of life is what’s expected from Black and Brown kids in certain neighborhoods. I also don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking you can live that life, make it out, and then be celebrated or even rewarded for the person you’ve now become.
Too many of my friends and family didn’t make it. They went to prison, got killed, became addicts, or still live under the weight of poverty, systemic racism, and drug addiction. The truth is, I was playing way out of position, and I knew it. I had no excuse for doing what I was doing and seemed to be constantly reminded of that. And the longer I tried to play with the crack devil, the more the costs started outweighing the benefits. In fact, I could barely see what any of the benefits actually were anymore.
It took about a year and a half before I finally had enough of trying to be somebody I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was, waking up every day trying to prove yourself, trying to prove you’re something you know deep down you’re not. Near the end of my junior year, I was completely wiped out. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually…I was done. I knew I could never take my own life but still, I remember nights lying in bed thinking, If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I’d be okay with that.
The close calls with the police, the dangerous run-ins with other street dudes, getting mixed up with people addicted to crack who’d rather kill you than pay for your product, were quickly stacking up. I felt like it wasn’t a matter of if my ticket was gonna get punched, but when.
I wanted out. I wanted it to be over. And it could have been as simple as flushing all my dope down the toilet. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’d always have another excuse. After I get this last stash off, I need to hit a lick just one more time, then I can say, “that’s enough.” And that’s when I started to realize…enough was never going to be enough. As long as I had that “more” mentality rooted in me, I’d never be free.
My crack career finally ended when I was swindled out of all my money and all my drugs by some people who took the dope game way more serious than I did. The situation almost cost me my life, but instead of getting put to sleep, I got woke up! And that was it. It was over. I was done. For good.
And thankfully around the same time, the Youth to Youth program and caring adults who saw more in me than I saw in myself came into my life and that changed everything!
So what did I learn? No matter what the rap videos or kingpin movies show you, there’s nothing glorious about the drug game. The cost seems to always outweigh the benefits. Even when you watch movies like Goodfellas, Scarface, New Jack City, or Paid in Full, there really aren’t any happy endings. There are barely even any happy “durings”. All the characters we glorify and hold up as heroes are pretty miserable throughout the whole movie. They might have moments of happiness, but never any joy and certainly no peace. And that’s what I’m on a quest for now. Not the money, the fame, the power, or the material stuff that depreciates and deteriorates. I want peace of heart, mind, body, and soul over everything.
I was almost another “casualty of more”. It took a long time, but I’m finally understanding that less is actually more.
We've created a resource that highlights the costs of a “more mentality” and the benefits of focusing on who we are instead of what we have. Please download it, study it, share it and discuss it with others as you see fit.
And here's a short powerful video of one of my most requested pieces about my time struggling with a "more mentality" and not letting your past disqualify you from your future.
Please watch, reflect, and share this video with your network.
As always, thank you so much for the work you do,
but most importantly for the person you are.
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I love you because I am you!
