Why Success Doesn't Guarantee You're Thriving

Several years ago I spent a week in Malaysia working at an American private school. I was mostly working with the seniors in prepping them for the next chapter in their lives. It’s a program I do called “High School Afterlife”. I also did assemblies for the elementary and middle school students and even an evening program for parents. The parent program was on a Tuesday, but I wish it had been on Wednesday because I met a student that day that probably would’ve made me change everything I shared with the parents.

Prior to my arrival in Malaysia I had a few conference calls with the administration to discuss how the week was going to go. On one of our calls, the principal shared with me that they no longer did class rankings for their seniors (Wish he was my high school principal!). He explained that the reason why they got rid of them was because the highest ranking senior had a 4.7 GPA and the lowest ranking senior had a 4.2. So it made no sense to try and rank them from highest to lowest. He also said that along with having extremely high GPAs, there were also many students who demonstrated extremely high levels of stress, depression, and anxiety. Several of them were resorting to unhealthy and even dangerous forms of coping with these emotions.

A good deal of my time spent with the seniors was going to be focused on positive coping and thriving skills that they could start to practice now in order to be better prepared for life after high school when the levels of freedom, loneliness, and stress could increase dramatically.

The week was going great, and I was thoroughly enjoying my time with the students. On Wednesday I arrived ready to go and before we got started a young man approached me. He was shaking and on the verge of tears. He explained to me that he appreciated my message about pursuing your passion and living on purpose and with purpose, but he was also extremely stressed because he didn’t know how to tell his parents that he didn’t want to go to Harvard to study law, he wanted to be an elementary school teacher!

He was literally on the verge having a panic attack because he was so afraid of how disappointed his parents would be if he told them what his aspirations were.

Even though the administration had shared their concerns about the students’ mental health, I was still stunned to see it play out so vividly right in front of me. On paper, this young man had everything going for him. He was a white, male, good looking varsity basketball player with a 4 point plus GPA. He was successful yes, but was he thriving? Absolutely not.

We live in a consumption culture that is fueled by what I call a “more mentality”. We are taught to believe that acquiring more money, power, fame, status, and stuff will lead to more happiness and fulfillment. I find that people that buy into this myth, often find themselves experiencing higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression in the process. I can think of plenty of millionaires, billionaires, and famous people whose lives I would not want to have. I can also think of plenty of people who aren’t rich and famous, but have a joy, peace, and sense of fulfillment that I find inspiring and attainable.

A lot of people that are consumed with a desire for more money, power, fame, status, or stuff also tend to live in constant stress about acquiring more of what they are chasing and constant fear of losing whatever they already have.

I believe there a lot of things we must unlearn in order to flourish and thrive.

The young man who approached me appeared to be in a situation where his parents, quite possibly with the best intentions, were forcing him to adopt a “more mentality”. Thankfully I feel like more and more young people are waking up from that spell and are realizing that a lot of the time, less is actually more and that the costs of a “more mentality” far outweigh the benefits.

What we know is that success on paper doesn't guarantee that you are thriving, but if you are intentional about thriving (doing what you love, doing it well, doing it for the right reasons), you can experience success by default. It may not be the kind of success you imagined, but it'll probably be a version you appreciate.

Below is a downloadable resource that can be used and shared with others that is a guide to flourishing and thriving. Please feel free to share it and use it how ever it fits into your personal life, program, or curriculum.

FTMO - Learning to Thrive.pdf

Download PDF • 983KB

And here's a real quick video of me sharing this story in an interview and then sharing why we need to be careful about how we ask young people what they want to be when they grow up. Hope you enjoy it and share it! Thanks!