Why I wanted to disappear in middle school...
- R.E.A.C.H. Team
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
By the time puberty hit, I was desperately struggling to figure out who I was and how I fit into the world of middle schoolers. One of the biggest reminders that I did not fit in was my hair. I rocked a thick and bushy afro. Not because it was the style and not because I was ahead of my time. My hair was simply growing out of control, and my mom didn’t really know what to do with it. Because of that I stood out in ways I never wanted to. I was teased constantly in my neighborhood and at school.
In 7th grade, Phys. Ed. class became the worst part of my week. I was already uncomfortable because I was not athletic, but now there was a group of guys who started calling me Nature Boy because of my hair. I didn’t really even get the joke. I guess they thought I looked like I lived in the woods or something. To me it wasn’t that funny or creative, but any time one of them said it, the others fell out laughing. It stung every time and I dreaded going to Phys. Ed. class because of it.
My school had a strict dress code for Phys. Ed. If you did not bring a T-shirt, shorts, and tennis shoes you got an F for the day and had to sit in the bleachers while everyone else played and did the activities. Phys. Ed. for me was on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. One day I forgot my clothes, and it was my third time. A third strike meant detention. I did not want an F, and I did not want detention, so when I got to the locker room I felt like I only had one option…I needed to get something out of the lost and found. I tried to get there early and do it quickly, before anyone walked in. But while I was rifling through the box, my tormentors came in laughing and carrying on. When they saw what I was doing, one of them shouted “Look! Nature Boy is digging through the trash for his next meal!” They all burst into laughter, and I felt a lump rise in my throat. I grabbed whatever shirt and shorts I could find and rushed to my locker.
The shorts were too small, and the t-shirt had yellow pit stains and smelled like it had never been washed. I put it on anyway and hurried out of the locker room. I hoped the teasing was over, but it was not. The whole class period they took turns walking by me and pretending to smell my underarms. Then they would shout about how bad I smelled. One of them yelled, “Nature Boy needs some nature soap!” and the group doubled over laughing. Even a few girls laughed and all I could think was how unfunny and uncreative it all was. These guys were not clever, they were just cruel. I felt isolated and alone. I did not feel like I could tell on them. I did not feel like I had anyone to turn to. I just wanted to disappear from Phys. Ed. class and from school period.
When class ended, I dreaded going back into the locker room. I rushed to my locker and tried to get changed as fast as possible. My locker was in the bottom corner in the back of the locker room. The teasing continued behind me, and I kept fumbling my combination because I was so stressed. My heart was pounding and the lump was back in my throat. I did everything I could to hold myself together because the last thing I wanted was to cry in front of them.
Then something happened that confused me and broke me at the same time. I felt something rubbing across the back of my head. I did not understand what it was until I turned around. One of the boys had pulled his pants and underwear down and was wiping his bare ass on the back of my head. When I turned around, he was pulling his pants up and laughing hysterically.
I snapped. I jumped up ready to go after him when one of his friends stepped in front of me. I was gone by then. I grabbed him by the arms, threw him into the corner and started unleashing punches. It happened so fast he never had a chance to respond. I was punching him as much as I could, as hard as I could and I was crying the whole time. It felt like that scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphie loses it on Scut Farkus. Only in my case there was no broken nose or blood. But he knew he crossed the line.
By the time our Phys. Ed. teacher walked in, it was over. He did not see a thing, and no one said a word. I stared at the group of guys, waiting for someone to try something but they stood there silently. That was the last day they ever said anything to me in Phys. Ed. or anywhere else for that matter. I became invisible to them which is all I ever wanted in the first place. I did not need an apology. I did not need them to see the error of their ways and become my new best friends. I just needed it to stop. It did, but it still never made sense why me.
I once heard in a training I attended that, “For the most part, no one’s first exposure to violence is by committing an act of violence.” That stuck with me. People who hurt others are usually passing along something that was done to them. Someone somewhere probably made them feel powerless and afraid, and so they felt like they needed to pass that on. That doesn’t excuse it, but it helps me understand it.
Even retelling this story now makes my stomach turn. I also know these experiences are one of the reasons I despise smartphones and social media. I cannot imagine being a young person today constantly worried that every embarrassing moment might get recorded and posted online. Whenever I see someone shamed in a viral video, I feel sick all over again. So now I better understand the power of intervention. So many young people assume or have little to no expectation that anyone will ever show up for them. And I know that one of the things that can cause people to lose hope is believing that help isn’t on the way. So now, I do my best to help others whenever possible and to encourage others as best as we can, to always stay ready to be on the way.
As the school year begins I would encourage those of you that work in schools to find ways to show up for your students and fellow staff. I'd also encourage you to share this resource with the young people involved in various student leadership programs your school. It's a valuable tool that can help you create a climate and culture of care in your classrooms, buildings, and communities.
And here's a powerful video that Shaun Derik and I made that talks about how important it is to do our part to make sure people understand that they are safe, valuable, and necessary. Please watch, reflect, and share with your network!
Thank you so much for the work you do,
but most importantly for the person you are.
Also don't forget to share this to your socials!
I love you because I am you!
